Sorry for my terribly good false intentions…

What to make of Nick Clegg’s apology then, heh?

While keen to stress that he was ‘sorry’ for breaking a pledge, as any modern political leader must be seen to be in such a situation, the interesting point to note was what exactly Nick was sorry for.

Was it for a violation of trust, the breaking of the promise so sacred to Englishmen? No.

Was it for not staying true to his (and his party’s principles), by directly contradicting perhaps the most iconic- and strongly supported- Lib Dem policy of recent years?
No.

Was it for alienating perhaps the party’s core demographic- the most continuously consistently liberal-minded group (youth), for helping to instigate angry protests that caused many casualties, for effectively giving up any aspirations of holding any real political sway in this country, so a few power-hungry, money-grabbing Lib Dem MPs could gain favour from the Tories, retain cabinet positions, Limousine rides and higher pay cheques?
No- but it damn well should have been.

The most significant thing you can do

Is to challenge your insignificance.

A Guide to Politics

As a starting point, you must be a privately-educated Eton toff if you’re British, or a heterosexual religious man with CIA experience/ links if you’re American. If you’re French, you must hate Arabs, if you’re Italian you must be a womaniser, and if you’re German you must have designs on eventual world (economic) domination. I could go on… Nah. Let’s get to it.

Here’s the guide:

1. Make alluring promises, preying primarily on people’s financial concerns and general fears- crime, immigration etc.

2. Get the backing of the rich and the influential people in society- particularly big business and media moguls.

3. Blame the other parties for ruining/ plotting to ruin the country; defame their leaders and ideology. If an opposition leader is publicly denounced as a philandering socialist atheist terrorist, of Iranian descent, and in opposition to the state of Israel, he is sure to plummet in the poles. If this fails, get your friends in the CIA to assassinate him.

4. Become leader by any means necessary. (It is at this point all morals are sacrificed.) Oh, by the way: don’t get assassinated. Golden rule that one.

5. If you have a superior brother in politics (and your name is Milliband), stab him in the back asap, as you won’t get anywhere if you can’t even be the best in your family (an idea Mark Waugh challenged admirably).

6. Never say asap.

7. Never exercise in public, unless on a bike, on the condition that you have a mop of blond hair, have lots of affairs, and are most likely to be overheard saying, ‘What a pickle I find myself in, unable to decide whether to attend the wiff waff, the beach volleyball with those seductively saucy Swedish strumpets, or the announcement of David Cameron’s resignation and my presentation as supreme fringemaster of the Milky Way (or words to that effect). What, the olympics is over. Surely the work of that slimey snake of spitefulness Livingstone- the prick. Oh well, off to my conference, well… only after a spot of deep-Thames skydiving and some good old-fashioned badger racing’ (or words to that effect).

8. NEVER use the phrase, ‘We’re all in it together’. Just don’t.

9. Use umbrellas with caution.

10. Approach questions about alleged blow jobs with curious answers.

11. Never answer the question you are asked, as you will surely be too dim and corrupt to come off well. Honesty equals defeat.

12. Breaking a promise is the mark of a true man, a man determined to abandon his principles, at the risk of public anger and plummeting popularity ratings, just for the sake of clinging to power that bit longer and gaining the approval of his superiors.

13. Punch at least one random citizen in the face.

14. Never call a bigot a bigot on live TV, for fear of looking either too liberal or too politically correct (or just a fool).

15. Delay for at least thirty seconds before offering any opinion on the Middle East.

16. Balance anything said that could be interpreted as derogatory about Israel with a commitment to friendship and solidarity with the beacon of democracy in the axis of evil… or some such shit.

17. Commit at least one war crime. It gains you a bit of street cred within the crazy dictator community

18. Say God told you to do it (it’s OK if you’re not Muslim).

19. Defend the war crime with words such as ‘humanitarian’, ‘democracy’, ‘security’, ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’.

20. Convert to Catholicism, retire from politics, making sure to leave your arch-rival in the most shit possible, become a peace envoy to the Middle East, and earn a grand a minute for befouling the word with the utter bullshit that comes out your mouth.

21. Retire to your country estates, shoot some animals, attempt to maintain a handicap of below a quarter of your age, and die, to become the fourty-third most popular dead politician of your nation.

There. Easy.

Inspired primarily by David Cameron, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, John Prescott, George Bush part 1 and 2, the CIA, Nick Clegg and the Milliband brothers. God have mercy on you all.

It is the doers who shape the world, but the dreamers who make it worth living for.
The miser is he who does not dare to dream.
The coward is he who does not dare to do.
The hero is he who dares to dream and to do, to attempt to realise their version of a perfect world.
The revolutionary is the discontented hero.
The legend is he who succeeds in the goal of his heroism.

Not all of us can be rich, or powerful, famous or legendary…

But We can all be heroes…

Let’s dive straight in and get philisophical…

Dreams, Success, Pleasure Etc… (Just the Usual Then)

We distract ourselves with the trappings of responsibility and ‘duty’, finding refuge in service to others, to distract us from the difficulties and distress we face in our vain attempt of attaining happiness. We unashamedly worship other human beings, be they parents, celebrities or gods; we immerse ourselves in devotion to higher concepts, only to give us a sense of worth, purpose, and order. Questions are troubling. Answers are satisfying. Religion, nationality- even class, gender and race- unify us, because what is different scares us… independence scares us… free thought scares us. The mightiest of us live to serve. Within these labels, we have a place, a purpose, seemingly a reason for being- or at least a basic function- which grounds us, in a boundless world of infinite possibilities that overwhelms us, that would send our little heads floating away up through the atmosphere of limitless dreams and into the incomprehensible, and hence oh so frightening, world of space, were we not to hide from our true and limitless potential by concealing our ambition and desires in this shroud of ‘realism’ and ‘expectation’- that suffocating cloak interwoven with insecurities, fears and doubts.

Nothing is unconditional. Serving others gives us security. Helping others gives us superiority. Healing others leaves them forever indebted. Loving others encourages them to love us, which in turn makes us love our own lives and ourselves in turn. At the very least a degree of appreciation echoes back… Loving gives us a place and purpose.

We flee from our dreams, cower from our carnal desires, and distance ourselves from ambition, through the pursuit and acquisition of all things material… all things false. But what is reality, but the physical manifestation of fantasy? Greed is ambition at its most flawed. Power isn’t corrupt. The pursuit of it is. But through the outward material demonstration of our ‘success’, we lose the true meaning of the word success. Success is the state at which you feel contented with what you are. Truly contented. Within. Not proud. Not even merely satisfied. Happy. I recall two school assemblies on success that were dominated by money- but money itself is worthless, and it is all too often an unsavoury tool to bring misery. Money can be a means toward happiness, but money itself can never be an end. Never. You may become a millionaire- the measure of success at my school. You may be a millionaire. But do you feel the same sense of accomplishment of the homeless man who has just found the source of his next meal? Do you feel the same sense of achievement as a midwife who has helped bring a life to this Earth? If you do, you are successful. I congratulate you.

But what of pleasure- at what cost can pleasure be pursued, both to others and one’s self? Where is the line between what is enjoyable and what is ethical, what is right and what is wrong? Is the notion of pleasure not a selfish and contemptible desire- or is that a result of our restricted, forceful, shut-minded society? Is this whole passage deeply immoral? Is it not humanity’s shared prosperity that matters? Or can that only be obtained if everyone is committed to their own self, from which morality will then thrive? Are we even best placed to know what is right for ourselves? Is this whole passage just not rambling bullshit? Do these very words not restrict us to enshrined ideas and limit our free, uninhibited expression of feelings, since thoughts and ideas are represented purely by words- a jumble of noises, or, on this page, an ordered mess of squiggles?

As Morrissey once humbly proclaimed, “I dunno.” I don’t even know if I agree with myself. Even now.

Heed these ‘wise’ words and make of them what you will. You decide whether or not you agree. I wrote this to invoke your own thought and questioning, because I find questioning more gratifying than the answers I am told, or reach myself. But I wrote this for me. Everything I do, however altruistic, is ultimately for my own perceived benefit- in some form. At least that’s what they tell me…

And now I wish to go to bed. So goodnight…