As a starting point, you must be a privately-educated Eton toff if you’re British, or a heterosexual religious man with CIA experience/ links if you’re American. If you’re French, you must hate Arabs, if you’re Italian you must be a womaniser, and if you’re German you must have designs on eventual world (economic) domination. I could go on… Nah. Let’s get to it.
Here’s the guide:
1. Make alluring promises, preying primarily on people’s financial concerns and general fears- crime, immigration etc.
2. Get the backing of the rich and the influential people in society- particularly big business and media moguls.
3. Blame the other parties for ruining/ plotting to ruin the country; defame their leaders and ideology. If an opposition leader is publicly denounced as a philandering socialist atheist terrorist, of Iranian descent, and in opposition to the state of Israel, he is sure to plummet in the poles. If this fails, get your friends in the CIA to assassinate him.
4. Become leader by any means necessary. (It is at this point all morals are sacrificed.) Oh, by the way: don’t get assassinated. Golden rule that one.
5. If you have a superior brother in politics (and your name is Milliband), stab him in the back asap, as you won’t get anywhere if you can’t even be the best in your family (an idea Mark Waugh challenged admirably).
6. Never say asap.
7. Never exercise in public, unless on a bike, on the condition that you have a mop of blond hair, have lots of affairs, and are most likely to be overheard saying, ‘What a pickle I find myself in, unable to decide whether to attend the wiff waff, the beach volleyball with those seductively saucy Swedish strumpets, or the announcement of David Cameron’s resignation and my presentation as supreme fringemaster of the Milky Way (or words to that effect). What, the olympics is over. Surely the work of that slimey snake of spitefulness Livingstone- the prick. Oh well, off to my conference, well… only after a spot of deep-Thames skydiving and some good old-fashioned badger racing’ (or words to that effect).
8. NEVER use the phrase, ‘We’re all in it together’. Just don’t.
9. Use umbrellas with caution.
10. Approach questions about alleged blow jobs with curious answers.
11. Never answer the question you are asked, as you will surely be too dim and corrupt to come off well. Honesty equals defeat.
12. Breaking a promise is the mark of a true man, a man determined to abandon his principles, at the risk of public anger and plummeting popularity ratings, just for the sake of clinging to power that bit longer and gaining the approval of his superiors.
13. Punch at least one random citizen in the face.
14. Never call a bigot a bigot on live TV, for fear of looking either too liberal or too politically correct (or just a fool).
15. Delay for at least thirty seconds before offering any opinion on the Middle East.
16. Balance anything said that could be interpreted as derogatory about Israel with a commitment to friendship and solidarity with the beacon of democracy in the axis of evil… or some such shit.
17. Commit at least one war crime. It gains you a bit of street cred within the crazy dictator community
18. Say God told you to do it (it’s OK if you’re not Muslim).
19. Defend the war crime with words such as ‘humanitarian’, ‘democracy’, ‘security’, ‘liberty’ and ‘freedom’.
20. Convert to Catholicism, retire from politics, making sure to leave your arch-rival in the most shit possible, become a peace envoy to the Middle East, and earn a grand a minute for befouling the word with the utter bullshit that comes out your mouth.
21. Retire to your country estates, shoot some animals, attempt to maintain a handicap of below a quarter of your age, and die, to become the fourty-third most popular dead politician of your nation.
There. Easy.
Inspired primarily by David Cameron, Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, John Prescott, George Bush part 1 and 2, the CIA, Nick Clegg and the Milliband brothers. God have mercy on you all.
Apprentice of Enlightement 